As always, it’s been forever since I’ve updated this blog! I
know…I know…This is supposed to be my baby but I’ve completely neglected it! If
it were an actual baby, CPS would have had it a long time ago.
I don’t really have an excuse for not updating. In fact, I
did find myself sitting down and trying to hash something out a few times. I
even recorded two vlogs. But I just didn't have the desire to actually edit and
add comments and all that crap.
Well, today I actually have forced myself to update the blog! Hopefully it’ll
be the start of many more to come!
I went to see 'The Vow' with my best friend tonight. And I have to admit, I was more than a little excited! Rom com, beautiful love songs and a half naked Channing Tatum...what more can a gay guy ask for, right?
So mid way through the movie,
I realized.... I think I'm gonna be sick! Like seriously. I really think I'm going to vomit. And it was because this movie was so unbelievably bad!
It was such a nauseatingly sweet, sappy movie full of the same ole tired "true love concurs all" bullshit
that made me cringe at every single second of it!
Even though parts of the movie were based on a real life story, the entire thing still came off as the most implausible, contrite bullshit I've ever seen! And I've seen 'Gigli'!
Movies like this should be banned! Movies like this have become a detriment to society. Because they lead
you to believe that your one true love will walk by while you stand in line of at
DMV. You two will fall madly in love (after two weeks) and spend the rest of your lives holding hands, while tip toeing through some God damn tulips!
Shit like this doesn't happen in real life! It's all make believe! From a young age, we're led to believe the Hollywood version of love.. that everything will magically fall into place. And Mr. Right will show up and make all of life's problems fade away.
But it never
happens that way, does it? Nothing ever ends with everything wrapped in a nice, neat little bow...does it?
Last year, I wrote a very special blog devoted to my new opinion of Valentine's Day. It was a very sweet blog that stated I would no longer wallow in my own self pity. I would no longer torture myself with sappy Mariah Carey songs and super fattening foods. It was one of my favorite blogs.
Well…screw that blog! This year, I decided I won't be all sad because, one again, I don't have a Valentine! Instead, I'm going to be flat out bitter! I'm going to enjoy my fattening ice cream. I'm going to replace all of the Valentine's Day cards with 'Happy Divorce' cards at my local Walgreens. I'm going to watch a whole slew of 'He-done-me-wrong' movies (i.e. Waiting to Exhale, For Colored Girls, Thelma and Loise, Monster etc). I will bathe in my bitterness for just one day.
I saw a video called 'Sh** Bitter Females Say on Valentine's Day' and thought, 'That would make an excellent Top 10 list!' And that's just what I did!
I came up with a list of the 'Top 10 Songs a Bitter Female Needs to Listen to on Valentine's Day'. Songs that will left all us up on a horrible day like this. Songs that will place the blame on those (men) that are responsible for all of our life troubles. Songs that will let you know, 'I don't need a man to make me feel good!' Songs that will scream out, 'I'll be fine all by myself!'
You won't recognize every single one of these songs but if you give them a chance, you'll understand why they made the list!
10. Breaking Dishes (Rihanna)
Best Lyric: "I'm roastin marshmellows on the fire/And what I'm burnin is your attire"
The opening shouts of 'I don't know who you think I am' perfectly set up the vibe of the song. Clearly, this fool has lost his mind! This is the cautionary tell of a woman driven to violence by the actions of her no-good man! He's been out like every day till 3 in the morning. He's giving the impression that he's cheating. And just generally mistreating her!
You get the sense that this girl is slightly off her rocker. But it's quite entertaining if you think about it. After taking all she can take, Rihanna lashes out! Bleaching clothes, setting them on fire! Breaking dishes (literally)!
(Now, I won't comment on how horribly ironic to hear her sing, 'Imma fight a man tonight!' Looks like you did, Rihanna. How did that turn out for you?)
9. I Hate Boys (Christina Aguilera)
Best Lyric: "Boys suck/Make me sick/Inflated egos/Little dicks"
This song is off of my Christina's most recent (and slightly unsccuessful) album, 'Bionic'. It has a little trace of late 80s pop. And I think the title speaks for itself, 'I hate boys!'
In this song, Christina presents her argument for why she hates boys. And to be honest, she makes a pretty damn good case! Boys are so immature. Check! They rarely turn to men! Um…yeah. They think all girls (and some of us poor gays) are only meant for toys! True.
Inflated egos…checkmate!
8. Bust Your Windows (Jazmine Sullivan)
Best Lyric: 'You see you can't play with people's feelings/Tell them you love them and don't mean it!'
Of all the songs on this list, I think 'Bust Your Windows' explains how a jilted lover feels very eloquently! The story of a girl that gets back at a lover that she catches in bed with some other chick, Jazmine gets revenge by taking care of the one thing this fool cares about the most: his car!
As the song progresses, she gets angrier and angrier. With each word, you can feel the anger, pain and bitterness seep through. And after hearing her tale, you can't blame her for messing up that assface's car! Yes, it does seem juvenile. But his messed up car will not heal her broken heart! It's far from an even trade.
Let this be a lesson to all you men out there. What's worse? Dealing with a mildly annoying girlfriend? Or having your most prized possesion completely and utterly destroyed?! And you know your cheap ass didn't buy the right insurance. So none of that damage is covered!
7. Irreplaceable (Beyonce)
Best: "I could have another you in a minute/Matter fact, he'll be here in a minute"
This song became an instant anthem for every chick that has had a man that thinks he is God's gift to everyone and everything! Every chick in the world could be heard singing, 'To the left, to the left' when she hit that boiling point! With perfect reason. There a very few songs that makes you feel like the entire world is singing with you. Whenever this song comes on, I can hear every single bitter person on the earth singing along with me.
When the song breaks down with 'To the left' I just hear an entire stadium singing with me! Yes..to the left, motherf*****, to the left!
I know some people are gonna be upset that I've included this song on the list (hell…well, a lot of people will be upset with most fo the songs on this list…screw them!) but this song expressed perfectly the sentiment I don't need you, you nasty bastard! I can (and will) have another one of you in a minute!
6. Someday (Mariah Carey)
Best Lyric: "Baby, how could you ever believe/That another could replace me/The one and only"
You knew Mariah would show up on this list! But I'll let you hear a little story of why I think of this song when I think of bitter songs.
This was the first Mariah Carey song I ever heard (I know…'Vision of Love' was first but I was a late bloomer). And at the time, I totally identified with the sentiment. I was just dumped by my sleeping buddy at school. The little bastard up and decided out of the blue that he wanted to share his mat with Sasha…she was willing to share her Gushers with him. Just like that. I was dropped for a pack of Gushers. I heard this song and found my new shero!
Anyone who's been dumped for someone else, can identify with this song! They always think the other man's grass is greener. I hope you enjoyed your pack of Gushers!
Best Lyric: "I'm gonna make you suffer/You stupid motherf*****"
The video speaks for itself! Isn't there that one ex that you want to torture so damn bad? That person that just used and abused you? That smug bastard that slept with your best friend? Then had the nerve to ask you for some money to help pay child support!
Now I'm mad as hell!
4 It's Not Right, But It's Ok (Whitney Houston)
Best Lyric: "I'd rather be alone than unhappy"
This one is hard for me to write. I've adored Whitney for years. I'm beyond devastated that she is gone. Watch the video. And be on the look out for a Top 10 Whitney list coming soon.
But this is the song you put on after you put all his shit out on the curb. His behind thought that you needed you in order to survive. But that's ok. You'll show him!
3 Before He Cheats (Carrie Underwood)
Best Lyric: uhh…the entire chorus!! lol.
I think what took so many by surprise about this song is the fact that Carrie had such a sweet image. Who knew little ole Carrie could dismantle with such ease?! Everyone and their mother loved this song! A slow, simmering twangy slammer! One of the best when it comes to countrified 'He-done-me-wrong'!
This song is a masterclass in how to beat the hell out some bastard's truck! You'll leave a lasting impression. And of course, he won't learn!
2 You Oughta Know (Alanis Morrisette)
Best Lyric: "And every time I scratch my nails down someone else's back/I hope you feel it/Well, can you feel it?"
There's a certain level of venom laced in Alanis' voice when she shouts 'You oughta know'! There is an unmistaken sense of pain and bitterness. She seems slightly....off. Yeah that's the word. She seems so damn mad it's driving her crazy!
I just want to punch Uncle Joey so damn hard for pissing her off that damn bad!
1 Rolling In The Deep (Adele)
Best Lyric: "You're gonna wish you, never ever met me"
Does it really get any better than 'You're gonna wish you, never ever met me'? I think that says it all. You screwed me over and now it's my time. And when I'm done, ooooh baby! You're gonna wish you never met me! Everything about this song screams anger and pain! It's a thumping, heart pounding, blood rushing anthem.
There it is! What do you think What song did I miss?
What a year it has been!! It seemed like everything has changed and I couldn't be any happier. Talk about a roller coaster ride....whew! Here's a video blog that takes a highlight of my year!
I also need to give a shot out to Chenell, Unique and the rest of the Clubhouse! All of you have been able to add so much color to my life! I'm glad that I was able to meet you.
To my best friends, you know who you are, I cannot express enough how much you mean to me! My life would not be the same without you!
I just saw the X Factor USA and Rachel Crow just got sent home. Now, everyone and their lesbian lover are going crazy. They are actually blaming Nicole. They are even calling for Nicole to be booted from the show.
Are you crazy?!
If people really wanted Rachel to stay, you would have voted for her harder! That's how these shows work: you want someone to win, you vote! Hard!
Could Nicole have saved her? Yes. But America put her in the Bottom 2. Blame yourself America!!!
Leave Nicole be....besides, in a few weeks when Idol starts again, we're gonna forget about most of these contestants anyway....
I had the most wonderful dream last night and I just had to share it with the world! It was so wonderfully awesome and odd at the same time.
It started with me getting off the bus in Chinatown, NYC. I remember the only thing I had with me was a bike. Lord knows where the bike came from. I think I actually walked off the bus with the bike in hand.
I began to ride my bike and it seemed like I already knew what was going on. I knew that I had recently moved to NYC and I was on my way home. I knew exactly where I was going: Upper Manhattan. 103rd and Central Park West to be exact!
I rode for a few blocks and I can't begin to describe the overwhelming sense of happiness that overtook me (in my sleep). It's hard to explain but I don't think I've ever felt as happy as I was riding that bike through the vomit covered streets of Chinatown (and this includes the time I damn near wet myself when I got Christina Aguilera's debut cd for Christmas way back when)!
I just felt like everything was perfect! I was living where I've always wanted to. I was healthy. Plus, man I rode that bike like no one's business! I wove in between people and didn't even crash! It was spectacular!
Just when I thought it couldn't get any better, everyone around broke out in an elaborate musical number! Every single person broke out in a dance routine while singing 'Everything Is Beautiful In Its Own Way'
Men. Woman. Child. Gigolo. Prostitute. Angry Asian guy who was screaming at the neighborhood kid who came into the corner store and stole a couple of Zorro bars. Latiqua who was arguing with her baby daddy because he hadn't paid child support. Baby Daddy arguing with Latiqua because the last time he gave her money for diapers and formula (cause you know she doesn't breast feed) she spent on getting her nails and hair did for the club that weekend….EVERYONE began to dance and sing. It was so beautiful!
I felt as if the entire world was performing just for me! It was the most beautiful thing I think I've ever experienced in my life (in my sleep). I rode a few more blocks and the craziest thing happened: the setting completely changed! The next thing I know, I am literally riding my bike through a 1970s porno scene!
Lights, camera and tons of action! I literally rode my bike in between the camera and the bed (and trust me, these man and woman and their 4 moustaches, were definitely getting it on).
And then I was awake.
It was so odd. Because I clearly I started out the middle of a musical number...but somehow ended up in Deep Throat 5.
It went from such a heartwarming experience of having the world sing the joys of life to me….to watching two people go at it like dogs in heat.
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